An Introduction

Or perhaps a re-introduction, as it's been about 7 years since my last post.

Hello blogosphere, it is me, Christy. I am 40 years old, live in Hawaii and am the mother of a rambunctious 2 & 2/3 year old son who fills my heart with more joy than I could have imagined (#obsessed), and the wife of a kindhearted, button pushing, clever and lovely sawyer. We also have another one on the way, so I am currently a person who has two heartbeats and who grows full like the moon with each passing day.

I am also the daughter of an ailing mother, who has mild Alzheimer's and a body that becomes weaker, stiffer and more immobile with each passing month, but a sass and spunk that continue to thrive; and the daughter of a charismatic, infuriating, adventurous 72 year old father who makes me smile just thinking of him. I am the sister of a badass and bossy younger sister who has been my best friend throughout all of my life and who is an inspiration to hundreds of thousands of her followers, and the sister to a half brother, 11 years my senior who after all this time I'm still trying to get to know as well and figure out my relationship with; as well as another older brother who was given up for adoption when my mom was a teen, but who found us when I was 30. He is sweet, soft spoken and brilliant.

I am the friend of many many wonderful people, who fill my life with joy, laughter, learning lessons and more. I have been blessed with good relationships in my life. It's not something I take for granted, because I am also a therapist to many wonderful individuals and in that role, I get the honor of listening to the stories of other people's lives. In hearing so many hardships, I know how lucky I am to have been given all that I have in terms of love and support and the good fortune of attracting and keeping good people in my life. It is something I appreciate every day.

I tell you these parts of who I am and who others are to me, because while I have no idea where this blog will go, and what it will become, I am sure these parts of my life will show up in the entries. Relationships are how I see and understand myself and the world. They are what shape me.

I used to write all the time and find salvation in it, and with time the writing has stopped. New year, same me, and a desire to find an older me that I miss. So, one of my goals for 2020 is to make a dedicated effort to reconnect with writing. To reinstate that intimate friendship I once had with it.

And why blog? I don't quite know, aside from there is just something about being seen, or putting it out there that does something for me. I'm not quite sure what it is... I think it helps me find my truth. I think there's a little bit of a thrill I get from the vulnerability of it. It feels brave and it allows me to feel connected to something bigger than just me...

So, with that quick intro, welcome and thank you for stopping by.

Aloha,
Christy

Shame Spirals and Negative Narratives

Parenting is the whole rainbow, sunshine and storm wrapped into one. I love that about it, and it’s pretty darn exhausting.

 

My husband and I have been blessed with a wild, energetic, loving, sociable, boundary pushing little boy who lights up my life more than I could have ever imagined. It’s been an amazing gift and a constant test. 

Yesterday was ROUGH. We went to dinner at a friend’s house with other good friends and their children and my little guy came in full with chaotic energy, a strong need to push boundaries (and other kids), yelling, screaming, kicking, climbing and throwing and just a tornado of toddler tumultuousness. He definitely delivered on giving weight to the term “terrible twos.”

 

I did what I try to teach my clients not to do… I walked straight into my shame storm and categorized all the ways in which I was failing as a parent, as I watched and compared all of the other kids at the gathering and all the ways in which they were behaving, playing nicely and following directions. 

 

I ignored the fact that there were bits of sunshine… the way he greeted Aunties, Uncles and friends and said hello when instructed. That he did a really good job with taking turns on the trampoline. That he was happy, even if chaotic and destructive, and that he did hop in the bath without fuss, hop out without protest, even if he refused to wear clothes following.

 

I also didn’t allow myself to tune in to the care that surrounded us. One of the fathers that said, “let me take a turn, go relax and hang out,” the other kids being annoyed but accepting of him despite his crazy. Imani saying “Werner is even more crazy than usual today, but that’s okay.” And both her and Beryx still continuing to try to lure him into games of monster chase (he playing the role of monster, of course) despite the fact that it would ultimately end in both becoming frustrated by his over commitment to the role. And the fact that no one was really too bothered, aside from me.

 

Shame doesn’t allow for this. Instead of connecting us to others, it disconnects us and has us feeling flawed, alone and embarrassed. Instead of allowing us to feel held and supported in our struggles, it creates an isolating feeling.

 

I went home, complained to the hubby, wrote a gratitude list looking for the silver linings, reminded myself of the weekend when we had a really really good day playing with others, read parenting blogs for solutions and ate a bowl of ice cream. I survived the day and also realized how lucky I am to have his honor. 

I write this entry not for sympathy but for transparency and for any other human out there in their own shame storm for whatever reason. I feel you and send virtual hugs your way. Please dear fellow human, go easy on yourself.

 

Also, for anyone interested in resources, Brene Brown is one of my all time sheroes and does amazing research and work on this topic. I highly suggest looking her up.

 

Love and warmth,

Christy

New Years Traditions

For the past 13 years it’s been a tradition to gather with close friends and welcome the rising sun, write our “word” for the year in the sand and burn our letters to the Universe. One year it was snow instead of sand, however, regardless of where we do this, I love how we’ve  kept up with this for so long. There is something to traditions made and handed down that are so special.

This year’s word for me is Balance. As we prepare to welcome another being into this world and our family I want to find balance in honoring the needs of all my family members as well as myself. Included in this concept, is also the idea of more time to recharge. While I am lucky to have such a rich social circle, I am also an introvert and often run on empty or close to it. I don't think it helps that I'm a social introvert with FOMO, as well as a people pleaser, those factors create a lot of push and pull between wants and energetic/emotional needs. I am tired of feeling depleted or knowing that I'm not as present or bright and shiny as I want to be because I haven't tended to my needs. I want to get better at balancing self care in this way as well.

One of the things I love about the intention in the choosing of a word tradition is not only does it set a goal and guiding point for the year, I also get to learn the word more intimately. I get to understand it’s different facets and meanings as I reflect on life from the perspective of the word. For example, one year my word was Excitement and while I intentionally filled the year with adventure and new experiences I also had to unexpectedly move out of my home and got into a car accident as well. Both which I realized were also “exciting,” though not in my preferred way.

I’m curious to see what the word balance has to teach me in 2020 and will likely update on the insights and reflections.

The hubby’s word this year is Adjust with the intention to adjust smoothly to our coming arrival and what life throws our way. The rule in my family and circle of friends is that if I know your word, I will use it against you. I’ve already done that him this afternoon when he got frustrated with me and I responded that I was giving him an opportunity to practice adjusting :) So there's that other benefit as well.

Our son’s word (he’s 2 so we choose for him) is Share. He’s going to have to learn a great deal of sharing in the year (and years) to come and we want to introduce him to the concept in a positive and values driven way.

And for our baby boy on the way, his word is Healthy which I think is what most expecting parents pray for.

If you’d like to share your “word,” I’d love to hear it. And yes, I may use it against you.

Another tradition I’ve taken on In the past 7-8 years is to make Ozoni, a traditional Japanese soup enjoyed at New Years. It helps me feel close to my Japanese Grandma who passed away. There is something about traditional foods that I love.

I love hearing about others’ traditions so please share if you feel compelled.

Happy New Years! Cheers to 2020 ❤️