thoughts on green grass, daisies and erik

My ever so optimistic friend, Kira, likes to say “the grass isn't greenest on the other side of the fence, the grass is greenest on my side.”

She’s one of those people that I aspire to be like; always finding the upside in down times. Most recently when her apartment was flooded, instead of complaining about it, she shared with me about how lucky she was to have her in-laws to house her. Even when I asked her “isn’t it an inconvenience??” she just shrugged her shoulders and smiled.

I am not at Kira’s level yet. Far from it. I waiver both ways on my green grass views. And so, I believe that the grass is greenest wherever you water it. Unfortunately, I hop the fence all the time without even meaning to, water hose in hand, quick to saturate myself in the beauty of someone else's yard while I complain about everything that lacks in my own.

My grass is like a Dr. Suess rhyme that never seems to rhyme…Green grass, brown grass. Good life. Blah life. I never quite know what my mood is going to be on any given day. Which frustrates me to no end, because I know I’ve got it good, really good. But I just can’t always feel the goodness of my good.

And all this talk about grass, when the truth is, I don't have any grass.

Just concrete.

That, and 4 long slender garden boxes that Erik built for me. Boxes which host strawberries, chilies, basil, rosemary, lettuce and a slew of other things, including the Gerbera daisies I had to beg to include.

(Several months ago at the garden shop)

Me: Oooh. Let's get these! They're so pretty!

Erik: Really?! But they're useless; they're just gonna take up space and we could grow something really cool instead.

Me: What?! They're sooo cool. And they make me smile. Are you saying that’s useless??

(Needless to say I won that argument)

And since he takes charge of watering the garden, it's always green... and pink and red and orange too. No grass but that's okay.

Because in this time of shades of gray (and green). In this time of ups and downs. Questions, fears and the continual existential crisis about what I'm doing with my life and whether I'll live up to my potential. (Whether I still have potential.) I know that even if I end up desolate, down, dejected and so much less than I had hoped for, I'll be okay. Because I've got family and friends that will love me no matter what. That will tell me I'm good, and who will always be there.

And I've also got Erik.

For as the weeks turn into months and newness turns into settled in. As we grow into each other, grow into an "us." Find ourselves so wrapped up in each other's arms, lives, beings, hopes, dreams, frustrations, fears, etc. that one becomes a part of the other and I begin to forget what life was once like without him. I'm learning this:

I've got a man who will build me a garden with daisies even if he thinks they take up space.

A man, who, even if I were pick a daisy in that garden, strip it down to it's last petal and find myself whispering "he loves me not," would no doubt still love me. And even if 100 daisies came to the same conclusion, he would still stand, unwavering.

There is something to be said for someone who is not shy with their feelings and who doesn't go a day without letting me know I am loved and cared about.

And maybe that's the greenest of greens. The bluest of blues. Maybe that's the color I always wished there was a word for. The color I used to call "Alaska" as a little girl, not realizing that Alaska was a state, but instead thinking it was that word for all the colors in the world swirled around together like an oil spot on the street, but prettier and not as dirty.

As time goes on, maybe I am becoming just a little bit more like Kira...