lulls

last week i went out at courts. the winds were up and there were long lulls in between sets.

it wasn't the best day for surfing, but still it felt good to be out in the water. sitting. floating. with no other agenda, than waiting for the right wave, and hoping i'd get it.

i'm not the best at catching waves, and often, i let many go by because i'm not fast enough, not ready, or because i lack the confidence to be like eddie and just go. or sometimes i'm just plain scared. that being said, for as many waves that pass me by, there's always a few that seem to come my way, and there are those moments when it feels like the particular wave i'm lining up for, came just for me.

i love that feeling.

but back to lulls...

currently life feels like a big lull. i'm not sure where i'm going or what i'm doing. i feel like i'm floating. which doesn't feel bad, but i have a sense of anticipation stirring in my soul. as if there's something up ahead. i feel myself readying. and both fear and excitement softly murmur, though i silence them each time, because waiting for the unknown is like all things unknown. confusing and hard to rely on.

but i do get that sense that something's about to come my way. what it is, i have no idea. but it'll bring change. i can feel that much in my bones. a change i might fear, but need nonetheless.

when i surf, i don't always have the reflex and courage to catch the waves that follow the lull. often i get timid. shy. hesitant.

i surf the way i live life. clumsy, and without coordination. wanting something, but backing down. then wishing i had gone. then promising the next time. and so on.

maybe this feeling is just a feeling. a nothing that i'm making something out of. soon to pass and be forgotten. but maybe it's a premonition. and if so, i'm hoping i'll have the courage to grab it, the coordination to ride it and the appreciation that always brings a big smile to face, whenever i'm falling into/riding whatever it is that life brings my way and feels especially meant for me.