lost in the woods

i knew i loved her, but sometimes i hated her.

i am 19. kimi 18... it is 1998.

i'm back home for summer. it's the year after my freshman year in college. it's good to be home. the days are warm and the times are fun. but still... as much fun as we have, kimi and i fight like cats and dogs. or maybe just dogs... of the female variety.

i read a lot. different books that make my mind wander into different possibilities.

one book talks of a native tribe who's right of passage into adulthood included taking a young boy out deep into the woods and leaving him there. if he returned alive, he was a man. if he didn't... well, he was neither boy nor man, i suppose.

i don't know what we were fighting about on this particular day. our fights were always nothings turned into big somethings that usually went like this: hurt feelings, angry words, occasional pushes and punches, followed by "leave me alone!!" "i can't stand you!!" "you're such a *&@#!" later followed by *sob* *sniffle* "i'm sorry... i love you... let's not fight."

on this particular day, we were in the middle of "leave me alone, i can't stand you, i need my space. you're such a *&@#!"

"i'm leaving." i tell her. and share my plans about going for a long hike in the woods. "when will you be back?" she demands. "i don't know." i retort and tell her about the boy in the book i was reading. "well fine!" she says. "but i'm coming with you. you can't just take the car and go" (we shared a car at that time).

"fine. but i dont' want you by me."
"fine. i don't even want to be by you."
"good."
"good."

angry looks and stink eye galore.

we drive to to the west maui mountains. turn up a road and follow it into the back of the valley. we have no idea where we are, but find a trail and begin to walk. it's a valley, and a stream cuts through it. i take one side of the river, she takes the other. and as we walk we cut away from and back to the river, snaking our way deeper into the valley.

we glare at each other when one another is visible. but as the walk continues, our anger goes from a boil to a simmer. our glares and scowls soften and before we know it, one of us cracks a smile. and like a yawn, suddenly it becomes contagious.

we find a swimming hole. strip down and hop in. we truce. decide to be friends again. make our ammends.

and then we decide to continue walking... only i like my side of the river and she likes hers. so we stick to our sides, and continue on. this time feeling connected by the river between us instead of separated. as our trails wind, we get glimpses of each other, and then lose each other. after sometime, i am all alone. i don't give it much thought, and keep going.

the sun drops.

before i know it, it is dark and i have no idea where she is. "the river must have split" i think to myself. and i make my way back. calling for her, but hearing no response.

in no time, evening turns to night, and while i can make out the moon through the trees, it is a dark, dark night.

i can't see anything except for the shadowy trees, and i try my best to follow the river, shouting for her to no avail.

i fall several times, soaking myself and realizing it is pointless to search for her now. it's too dark. wait till morning.

and though i don't want to stop searching. stop going. i eventually decide to stop and crawl into a tree to sleep. my mind races. i'm worried about her. and i keep hoping that she's okay. what if she fell?... what if she got hurt?... what if i can't find her?

i think of how i'll explain this to my parents and i whisper a thousand prayers and make as many "i promise i'll never..." promises i can come up with. i pray to God, even though i'm not sure i believe in him. "please God, please... please let her be okay. i'm sorry. please. i'll do anything." and eventually i fall asleep in the middle of a prayer.

morning arrives and i wake with a start. scrambling quickly to my feet, i continue on in the direction of our car, hoping she's done the same. i'm shout with all my might calling her name over and over again "kimi!!!! kimi!!!!"

no answer.

panic strikes and tears start to well up. i call again. no answer. i am frantic.

then suddenly i hear my name "christy!!" in the distance. it's the most beautiful sound in the world. okay... well actually it's a scratchy, shrieky sound that's filled with panic, but in the moment, it's music to my ears. i try to shout back but my voice is gone. it sounds like i'm gasping for air. i run as fast as a i can in her direction, and finally find her.

we embrace each other. mirror back the same look a person has when they find something they've lost. relief, happiness, gratification. we smile, hug, sigh, laugh, and maybe even cry.

we make our way back to the car and back to life as we know it.

our right of passage into womanhood? i'm not sure. but into renewed appreciation, and less fighting for the rest of the summer, yes.

God Rock

5 yrs old.

my sister and i explore through the woods behind our house.

we take our dog (sam) who we call wolf, and our cat (bobcat) who we call bobcat. the world is filled with wonderment and adventure and we lose ourselves in the trees and our imagination.

we go a little further today, into the woods behind a neighbor's house. and suddenly. there. in front of us. a boulder so big and round, that we are in awe. we marvel at our discovery and fall in love immediately.

somewhere in my 5 yr old child's mind, knowing this rock is special, i give it life. i whisper to kimi... "it's a god rock, we need to protect it."

and so we do.

in secret, we visit our rock every day.

we grow concern for this rock.

haiku is rainy, and we worry about our rock being wet and cold, so we steal blankets from the closet.

being that it's a "god" rock, we make sacrifices. kimi picks her treasured strawberries (that she doesn't even like to share with me) and puts them into her pretty shell jewelry box. a hefty sacrafice from a 4 yr old. and i... i donate my pack of colored pens that i adore. they have colors of aqua and tourquoise. i've never owned a pen set like this before. and i feel sad as i lay them at the base of the rock, but for me, there is no turning back. god rock deserves them.

we live in our new religion. worshiping this rock. playing around it, and finding comfort in a big round boulder that takes life in our imaginations.
and then we forget.

time goes by and the world, still filled with wonderment and adventure, continues to call.

and one day... many days later... our brother and cousin happen across our forgotten rock. happen across moldy wet blankets, ruined pens and a soggy jewelry box with rotten strawberries.

and later, when our mom demands to know what the hell we were doing. our words fall short. and suddenly the thought that a rock could be a god, seems, well... silly.

at 20, my sister and i will find our way back to this rock. sneaking through the yard that once was our home, into the woods that once were our playground, we will search for our god rock, and though older and wiser and less prone to believing in silly things, we will smile at each other and admit, that it is, even at 20 yrs of age, a damn impressive rock.