monday night's homework

okay, so first assignment and not off to the best start. still... at least i'm turning something in, and i have to admit, looking for inspiration led me to some interesting websites.



feeling coy about cuy:



never in my life had i ever imagined that i would want to be a fat middle aged bald man.

and yet here i was in lima, peru staring at a dish that reminded me of a pet i had long long ago. suddenly the bold and adventurous andrew zimmern wannabe in me disappeared and all i wanted was a mcdonald's hamburger with a side of fries.



(photo taken from http://www.andrewzimmern.com/content/experiencing-world-262-miles-time)


**side note, actually i would totally eat that.

an unusual muse

not writing bugs me. it eats at me. it's something i think about on a daily basis.


i used to write.


i don't anymore.


i've stopped complaining about it because i've grown tired of my redundancy, but still, it's there. like a whispering shadow that follows me and reminds me. you used to be a girl that wrote.

i opened this blog last night. and the night before, and before. stared at the keyboard and tried to typed. did type. then erased. tried again. and again and then gave up.

last night when erik came home from work he found me close to tears venting to him about how i totally and utterly suck. that i've lost a part of myself. that i miss me. the me that wrote. he stared at me bewildered and gave me a look that said "i don't know what to do here. stay quiet or say something?" i shook my head at him, mumbled a little more about my eternal suckiness and then crawled into bed and pouted.

this morning he called excited to me to tell me his "idea." stating something along the lines of him enforcing a rule that i write for at least 30 min every night before i go to bed. no writing. no bed. i smiled at his effort and said something nice, but unbeknownst to him, i also rolled my eyes and thought "no." and then went down a series of thoughts about how men always need to fix things and that he just doesn't get it... it's not that easy. blah blah blah. more defeat.

however tonight when i came home i found this pinned to the fridge:

a list of my writing homework assignments.

mon: write about a food dish that you at on an imaginary trip that you took to any place you have not been before

tues: write about a future unusual pet that you like and why they are so special

wed: a characteristic about yourself that your friends value

thursday: invent a new ocean sport

fri: which super power would you pick? being able to fly or breathe underwater? and why?

sat: pick any object in the living room. imagine it comes alive at night hwen you are asleep. it goes out around town. describe it's typical night.

sun: you are a worker ant and have a crush on the queen. what is your plan to win her love?

aww. it took my breath away and made me crack up laughing at the same time.

the assignments are tough, and funny and downright odd and i really don't know if i'll be able to pull it off, but i love the thought behind them.

homework never felt so heartwarming.

prelude to a haiku

driving into work last week i listened to ingrid michaelson singing "the way i am" http://aimini.net/view/?fid=fRuSSL77xG7Tv8I2b6E3 (love that song). in it, she like so many other poets, songwriters, declarers of love, etc sings about catching a falling lover.



in the midst of all my routine morning thoughts i found myself thinking about the concept of love and one person falling while the other catches them. while nice in theory, i think for me, when it comes to love i like the idea of instead having the other person fall right with me. no catcher, just us. two hopeful, excited, ring around the rosies, caught up in the moment, people falling. maybe never to be caught. maybe to enjoy the feeling of falling, falling, falling for as long as the drop may last.



haiku



i want you with me

not standing at the bottom

but here. fall-falling.

testing fate

on wednesday i'll be taking the license in clinical social work exam. it's taken me one master's degree, 2.5 years of accumulating 3000 supervised hours, paperwork, applications and a $175 exam fee to get to this point. if i pass i'll be licensed which means more liberty to do what i love doing, an opportunity to get paid more, and being able to sign LCSW after my name.

if i don't pass i'll be seriously bummed, embarrassed, out $175, and back to studying.

(let's hope i pass.)

because this is big. very big. i've worked hard to get to this point.

the not so funny thing is, that while i can recognize how big this is, my behaviors seem to show otherwise. whereas some people study for this exam for months, i've only just started studying last week. in fact, last night during my designated study time, i did everything possible to actually avoid studying. i pickled onions, made strawberry guava bars, chicken adobo and even built one of those do it yourself furniture sets from k-mart.

this morning with 2 days left, i cursed at myself. shook my head and freaked out internally. thoughts of failing run through my head, and i am suddenly clinging on to hope and good fortune as tight as i can.

while it does me no good, i still can't help but chastise myself. why do i always do this? really, why? i'm smart enough to recognize my bad decisions in procrastination, but i suppose dumb enough not to heed them. and perhaps that's because i've gotten away with this style of reckless behavior for so long. tsk. tsk. damn my good luck it does nothing for growth and change. (just kidding good luck, please stay with me. i love you)

i still remember being in grad school. it seemed i was always the last one to start projects. putting things off till i had almost no time to complete them. other classmates would say "you're only starting that now?!" and i'd do everything within my power not to glare them down with my meanest stink eye. time after time, despite promising myself i'd be better next time i'd find myself at the exact same place. racing the clock. too much to do and too little time. freaking out, stressing out, and then somehow, someway completing whatever needed to be completed just in the nick of time and just well enough to be successful.

and here i am doing it again. only the stakes are much higher.

the worst part is, each time i do this i vow to be more responsible, more organized, more prompt. and each time i end up being a big fat liar. and i know with each broken promise i further test and taunt fate. i worry that one day soon she's going to make me pay for my bad behaviors and laugh as i fall flat on my face.

i'm just really hoping that this one day soon, won't be wednesday.

so again. and this time i really really mean it. dear fate; please, please, please let me pass this test and i promise with all my heart i'll be better, more responsible and less rushed next time. i'll be that girl that gets her work done ahead of time. that's organized, structured, and prompt. that never ever procrastinates again.

pleeeeeeeaaaasssssseeeee.

Romantic conversations.... umm sorta

While I don't write about it much, I am hopelessly in love with my boyfriend, Erik. We went on our first date on May 15, 09 and moved in together just last month. It's been a whirlwind of fun, romance, moments of challenge and love. I feel incredibly lucky.

I could go on and on about the many things I love about him, but I much prefer to tease. One of the things that cracks me up most about Erik is that every now and then he'll make a serious declaration of his love but it comes out all wrong.

I still remember our first kiss. It was the night of our first date. Immediately after he kissed me, he said something about "okay, well let's just be friends if anything." He was trying to convey that he still wanted to keep me as a friend even if things didn't work out romantically, but his words were all wrong. That's the last thing a girl wants to hear after a first kiss! Let's be friends?! (Wtf?) Fortunately, I could understand his intent, and knew what he meant, and it makes for funny and endearing memories.

Here are a couple other "romantic" conversations with Erik.

A couple months ago a friend and I were talking about marriage and engagements. We were talking about another friend who may be engaged soon, Erik was present and listened and participated in the conversation. A lot of times the conversation involved my girlfriend and I sharing about how we want things to be when we get engaged or married. I felt a little worried that all the marriage talk might freak Erik out so when we got home, I tried to reassure him that I was not looking for him to propose and he could be in this relationship without the intent to one day marry me. This was his response:

Erik: You know, I was thinking about it the other day actually, and if someone had a gun to my head and I had to choose between marrying you or never seeing or talking to you again, I would marry you.

Me: Thanks. So... if you had to choose between death or marrying me, you would choose to marry me?

Erik: No, what's death got to do with it? If I had to choose between never seeing you again or marrying you, I would marry you.

Me: What's the gun against your head for?

Erik: I don't know, it was there when I thought about it. Never mind, this is coming out all wrong.


Erik just started school again. He's going to HPU to become a nurse. It's a predominantly female profession so he's often 1 of 3-4 guys in most of his classes. Last night's romantic declaration went as follows:

Erik: So you know, I was checking out all the hot girls in my class, and I want you to know that I feel very happy and lucky to be with you.

Me: So, you were checking out all the hot girls in your class?

Erik: Damnit, that's not what I meant.

Such romance, eh?

But, while the boy does have an extraordinary skill for sticking his foot in his mouth, he is very good to me, and even begrudgingly allows me to post whatever I like about him, so I guess it's a fair trade.

Shyness

I just started working at Oliver, the wine shop next to the Olive Tree. Last night I finished day 3 on the job. Although it's still early, I think I'm going to love this job. It's simple, homey. Nice.

My co-workers are all really nice and I look forward to getting to know them. Become friends with them. I've already found myself endeared by each one of them.

But before that happens, I need to get past my shyness.

When I was a child I was super shy. I would blush, tilt my head down and often hide behind the legs of some adult. As an adolescent I was quiet as well. I stuck to reading books instead of socializing. Or at least I tried. Fortunately I was surrounded by boisterious friends, so I was never able to veer too far off into quiet girl land, but had I not been, I may have spent many of my teen years stuck in the library, instead of sitting at a picnic table, trying to read, while others would snatch the book out of my hands, and bring me back to reality. Back to interacting with others.

Reading through old yearbooks, many people commented on my quiet demeanor.

As an adult, I thought I'd overcome my shyness. I often think of myself as fairly outgoing. I actually enjoy meeting new people and I love being social. But last night, working at Oliver, I felt shy. I can't explain it. It's almost like a vise that grabs me, and though I want to open up, talk, joke, laugh and interact, I find myself locked in. Locked in what? I don't know. But every time I wanted to speak, my voice lost me. My words, though clear in my head, couldn't seem to make their way out. So instead I just smiled, hoping people would see that as my attempt to be friendly, while mute.

I'm sure it will pass with some time, and while it's a bit annoying, there is an odd familiarity there.

Okay, that's all for now. If you're ever down at Olive Tree (which I highly recommend, sooooo yummy) then please stop by next door and say "hi!."

Kimi's encounter

this story is too cool not to post. ahhh. this is not the first time i've wished our technology was so advanced that we could take photos with our eyes. i would have loved to see this experience.

email from kimi:

I just wanted to write to you guys to share an experience I had yesterday in the water. It was utterly amazing, and so different from what I expected. I caught no fish yesterday and was kind of sad about that since my ego wants to be reassured that I'm on top of my game. Also I have so much to do, that even though I know I HAVE to dive, I kept feeling like it was a waste of a day because I have to do get so much work done for the festival this weekend.

But one thing made it all worth it.

I totally flirted with and almost fell inlove w/ a Tiger shark.

It was seriously one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

We were doing some blue water diving (deep water, cant' see/touch bottom). The boat just dropped me an Trav off and the other divers were still suiting up. We were by Kaena point, and the water was crystal clear.

I did a drop, just for the sake of diving deep and practicing, and when I was ascending I looked at Trav and he was pointing at something. I knew it wasn't an ono, because he wasn't sprinting w/ his gun.

I looked over and saw this huge mass just emerging up vertically towards the surface. I had no idea what it was but it moved so gracefully. I'm used to sharks making sharp short turns, and moving somewhat mechanically.

But this one just flowed w/ absolute grace until it finally hit the surface and turned broadside. I realized then it was the biggest tiger shark I had ever seen. I felt myself instinctually gravitate closer to Travis, but all I could think was "Wow!"

It was beautiful! I felt like I was in the best episode ever of Nat Geo. The water was so clear, that you could every detail of her(?) as she slowly drifted closer to us. Her fin broke the surface, and her colors and stripes were completely lit up. She was practically sparkling in the sun!
I just felt the urge to want to move closer to her. I wanted to just see how close I could get because she was so beautiful and big. Trav lifted the butt of his gun in the air (a sign for the boat to come pick us up)

And then I realized that we had to go. Because the boat was far, and if anything were to happen, we'd be screwed. Or if the other divers jumped in the water further down, and shot a fish, it would only take a couple of seconds for them to maybe have a very scary experience. So I raised my butt of my gun too, and felt a little scared an vulnerable, not knowing if the boat man was even paying attention.

But mainly, I just couldn't take my eyes off of her, and I was so awe struck by her beauty.
I heard the boat coming, and I just wanted the moment to last longer, but before we knew it, we looked up to see our crew checking on us. Trav said "you get on the boat first" and I looked back in her direction and she was gone.

But I feel so lucky to have seen that. I just wish it could've lasted longer.

The funny thing is that I'm afraid of sharks! Even the little ones (really little ones sometimes). Though you learn not to panic, they still just freak me out.

But this one drew me in, and I always thought if I saw a tiger that big, I'd crap my wetsuit. But it was probably the most magical moment I ever had while diving.