while i don't think this would be the first thing to come to people's minds, i think one thing that friends tend to value about me is my predictability.
this morning i picked malia up before i went to work to let her borrow my car. on the way to work we talked about various things, one being the blog. she laughed and stated about how my last blog, where i first complained about erik's homework and then did it and seemed to get into it, was so typically me.
predictable: to declare or tell in advance; prophesy; foretell: to predict the weather; to predict the fall of a civilization.
friends capitalize on teasing me knowing the reaction they'll get.
they know that if they scare me i'll scream
if they come to me to talk, i'll listen.
if they need me, i'll be there.
if they have a problem, i'll offer help
that i love new experiences
if you dare me i'm likely to do it, even if i don't want to
i make sucker bets
if i can jump it i'll want to
that i'll usually need to be coaxed into things that involve spotlights
they know if i'm trying to explain myself i'll use an analogy.
and that i'll end this list here, semi incomplete and be fine with it
i think my friends value that they know me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
tuesday night's homework: write about a future unusual pet that you like and why they are so special
while well intentioned and definitely (at least to me) aww worthy, erik's homework isn't quite cutting it for me. i love the thought behind it but it's not the kind of writing i want to do.
i want...
i want to write amazing pieces. i want to figure out a way to string words together in such a way that make people pause. that speak to them. catch them. make them feel something they haven't felt. or maybe something they're needing to feel... pieces that feed one's soul. not in the chicken soup kind of way, but in a different way. a way that connects us all as humans.
i believe that our experiences while vastly different are often quite connected. and though the context might vary, i think most of us go through many of the same emotions. hope. fear. disappointment. happiness. excitement. nervousness. embarrassment. etc. etc. etc. i love writing about emotions. i love learning to understand them more. in myself and in others. i want to write pieces that feed the emotional sides of us. that both stir and soothe those parts of us at the exact same time.
that's what i want.
and it's scary to want something and not know if it's possible. attainable. i have no idea if i'm going to be the writer i want to be. i'm 30 years old and not off to the best start. and now with this ongoing writer's block, it feels like what little umph i had, has disappeared. but i've been here before. questioning myself. wondering if want and reality are on the same page, or if something's gotta give.
i remember while in the dating scene, time and time again i wondered if i'd ever find someone i connected with. loved. i searched for something that was missing. something i never had before, but believed existed. that something was both foreign and familiar.
this want to write. to be a writer. is like that. and it scares me to say it aloud, but it is my truth. it is my desire. and so i'm putting it out there...
but i'm way off subject. so enough rambling. it's time i get on with this homework assignment and tell you about my pet fronkey, floyd.
i found floyd while i was in peru. it was after i sucked it up, stopped thinking of my cuy as a pet and ate the damn thing. it was gooood. who knew guinea pig could be so tasty??
after that, i went for a walk to ease my stomach. my walk led down a dirt path and on that dirt path was an adolescent boy with a cardboard box full of fronkeys. i'd never heard nor seen a fronkey before. it was the most unusual thing to see these cross breeds of monkeys and frogs.
later, after returning to hawaii i learned that fronkeys were the experiment of some peruvian scientist who created these animals by genetically tampering with their dna. the experiment went well, but due to controversy, was forced to shut down. the fronkeys were scheduled to be exterminated, however, the night before their extermination someone broke into the facility and let the creatures escape. they ran off to the jungle and repopulated wreaking havoc on the environmental systems. this is currently a big crisis in peru. however, government officials have been trying to keep quiet about it, as not to deter tourism and put peru in bad light. currently there are tons of people who are trying to exterminate them, but others who catch fronkeys and use them for financial gain by selling them through the black market. and then there are the occasional people who sell fronkeys to unsuspecting tourists, like the kid i came across, on the day i met floyd.
anyway, back to my story... the box was filled with 3 small (about the size of chihuahuas) creatures shaped like monkeys, but with green fur, webbed feet, a long slender tongue and these big brown eyes that could make you melt. and melt i did the moment one of them (floyed) looked up at me.
i didn't think. i went off of pure instinct and knew i had to have him. it was as if, and i know this sounds crazy, we had met in a former life. he had been my pet once before. and i knew my mission was to buy him, take him home and care for him.
and so i did. it wasn't easy and involved a lot of risk and a lot of illegal activity, as fronkeys aren't allowed outside of peru. but with a lot of luck and good fortune on my side, i was able to pull it off.
adjusting to being a pet owner of a strange and exotic pet took time. i learned a lot about responsibility and taking care of living things, but it has been an amazing experience.
as for what's so special about this unusual pet. well, i could go on and on about floyd... he is the cutest thing. i love coming home to him happily swinging on the closet bar. and i also love the fact that he kills all of the bugs in the house including those big huge roaches that used to scare the crap out of me. he's also a great swimmer and extremely agile. and, i mean, come on, he's a fronkey! that in itself is special with a capital S. but to me, what makes him special is just that he's... well, him. and when he looks at me with those big brown eyes and that cute little green face, there's just no words.
this past weekend we celebrated his 3rd birthday. yes, i know i've become one of "those" pet owners that do weird things like throw birthday parties for their animals. but i just had to. and it really was more just an excuse to have some fun with friends. check out the cake! the decorator totally screwed it up by making it brown instead of green, but it's still pretty cute, isn't it ???
i want...
i want to write amazing pieces. i want to figure out a way to string words together in such a way that make people pause. that speak to them. catch them. make them feel something they haven't felt. or maybe something they're needing to feel... pieces that feed one's soul. not in the chicken soup kind of way, but in a different way. a way that connects us all as humans.
i believe that our experiences while vastly different are often quite connected. and though the context might vary, i think most of us go through many of the same emotions. hope. fear. disappointment. happiness. excitement. nervousness. embarrassment. etc. etc. etc. i love writing about emotions. i love learning to understand them more. in myself and in others. i want to write pieces that feed the emotional sides of us. that both stir and soothe those parts of us at the exact same time.
that's what i want.
and it's scary to want something and not know if it's possible. attainable. i have no idea if i'm going to be the writer i want to be. i'm 30 years old and not off to the best start. and now with this ongoing writer's block, it feels like what little umph i had, has disappeared. but i've been here before. questioning myself. wondering if want and reality are on the same page, or if something's gotta give.
i remember while in the dating scene, time and time again i wondered if i'd ever find someone i connected with. loved. i searched for something that was missing. something i never had before, but believed existed. that something was both foreign and familiar.
this want to write. to be a writer. is like that. and it scares me to say it aloud, but it is my truth. it is my desire. and so i'm putting it out there...
but i'm way off subject. so enough rambling. it's time i get on with this homework assignment and tell you about my pet fronkey, floyd.
i found floyd while i was in peru. it was after i sucked it up, stopped thinking of my cuy as a pet and ate the damn thing. it was gooood. who knew guinea pig could be so tasty??
after that, i went for a walk to ease my stomach. my walk led down a dirt path and on that dirt path was an adolescent boy with a cardboard box full of fronkeys. i'd never heard nor seen a fronkey before. it was the most unusual thing to see these cross breeds of monkeys and frogs.
later, after returning to hawaii i learned that fronkeys were the experiment of some peruvian scientist who created these animals by genetically tampering with their dna. the experiment went well, but due to controversy, was forced to shut down. the fronkeys were scheduled to be exterminated, however, the night before their extermination someone broke into the facility and let the creatures escape. they ran off to the jungle and repopulated wreaking havoc on the environmental systems. this is currently a big crisis in peru. however, government officials have been trying to keep quiet about it, as not to deter tourism and put peru in bad light. currently there are tons of people who are trying to exterminate them, but others who catch fronkeys and use them for financial gain by selling them through the black market. and then there are the occasional people who sell fronkeys to unsuspecting tourists, like the kid i came across, on the day i met floyd.
anyway, back to my story... the box was filled with 3 small (about the size of chihuahuas) creatures shaped like monkeys, but with green fur, webbed feet, a long slender tongue and these big brown eyes that could make you melt. and melt i did the moment one of them (floyed) looked up at me.
i didn't think. i went off of pure instinct and knew i had to have him. it was as if, and i know this sounds crazy, we had met in a former life. he had been my pet once before. and i knew my mission was to buy him, take him home and care for him.
and so i did. it wasn't easy and involved a lot of risk and a lot of illegal activity, as fronkeys aren't allowed outside of peru. but with a lot of luck and good fortune on my side, i was able to pull it off.
adjusting to being a pet owner of a strange and exotic pet took time. i learned a lot about responsibility and taking care of living things, but it has been an amazing experience.
as for what's so special about this unusual pet. well, i could go on and on about floyd... he is the cutest thing. i love coming home to him happily swinging on the closet bar. and i also love the fact that he kills all of the bugs in the house including those big huge roaches that used to scare the crap out of me. he's also a great swimmer and extremely agile. and, i mean, come on, he's a fronkey! that in itself is special with a capital S. but to me, what makes him special is just that he's... well, him. and when he looks at me with those big brown eyes and that cute little green face, there's just no words.
this past weekend we celebrated his 3rd birthday. yes, i know i've become one of "those" pet owners that do weird things like throw birthday parties for their animals. but i just had to. and it really was more just an excuse to have some fun with friends. check out the cake! the decorator totally screwed it up by making it brown instead of green, but it's still pretty cute, isn't it ???
(photo taken from: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
monday night's homework
okay, so first assignment and not off to the best start. still... at least i'm turning something in, and i have to admit, looking for inspiration led me to some interesting websites.
feeling coy about cuy:
never in my life had i ever imagined that i would want to be a fat middle aged bald man.
and yet here i was in lima, peru staring at a dish that reminded me of a pet i had long long ago. suddenly the bold and adventurous andrew zimmern wannabe in me disappeared and all i wanted was a mcdonald's hamburger with a side of fries.
(photo taken from http://www.andrewzimmern.com/content/experiencing-world-262-miles-time)
**side note, actually i would totally eat that.
feeling coy about cuy:
never in my life had i ever imagined that i would want to be a fat middle aged bald man.
and yet here i was in lima, peru staring at a dish that reminded me of a pet i had long long ago. suddenly the bold and adventurous andrew zimmern wannabe in me disappeared and all i wanted was a mcdonald's hamburger with a side of fries.
(photo taken from http://www.andrewzimmern.com/content/experiencing-world-262-miles-time)
**side note, actually i would totally eat that.
an unusual muse
not writing bugs me. it eats at me. it's something i think about on a daily basis.
i used to write.
i don't anymore.
i've stopped complaining about it because i've grown tired of my redundancy, but still, it's there. like a whispering shadow that follows me and reminds me. you used to be a girl that wrote.
i opened this blog last night. and the night before, and before. stared at the keyboard and tried to typed. did type. then erased. tried again. and again and then gave up.
last night when erik came home from work he found me close to tears venting to him about how i totally and utterly suck. that i've lost a part of myself. that i miss me. the me that wrote. he stared at me bewildered and gave me a look that said "i don't know what to do here. stay quiet or say something?" i shook my head at him, mumbled a little more about my eternal suckiness and then crawled into bed and pouted.
this morning he called excited to me to tell me his "idea." stating something along the lines of him enforcing a rule that i write for at least 30 min every night before i go to bed. no writing. no bed. i smiled at his effort and said something nice, but unbeknownst to him, i also rolled my eyes and thought "no." and then went down a series of thoughts about how men always need to fix things and that he just doesn't get it... it's not that easy. blah blah blah. more defeat.
however tonight when i came home i found this pinned to the fridge:
i used to write.
i don't anymore.
i've stopped complaining about it because i've grown tired of my redundancy, but still, it's there. like a whispering shadow that follows me and reminds me. you used to be a girl that wrote.
i opened this blog last night. and the night before, and before. stared at the keyboard and tried to typed. did type. then erased. tried again. and again and then gave up.
last night when erik came home from work he found me close to tears venting to him about how i totally and utterly suck. that i've lost a part of myself. that i miss me. the me that wrote. he stared at me bewildered and gave me a look that said "i don't know what to do here. stay quiet or say something?" i shook my head at him, mumbled a little more about my eternal suckiness and then crawled into bed and pouted.
this morning he called excited to me to tell me his "idea." stating something along the lines of him enforcing a rule that i write for at least 30 min every night before i go to bed. no writing. no bed. i smiled at his effort and said something nice, but unbeknownst to him, i also rolled my eyes and thought "no." and then went down a series of thoughts about how men always need to fix things and that he just doesn't get it... it's not that easy. blah blah blah. more defeat.
however tonight when i came home i found this pinned to the fridge:
a list of my writing homework assignments.
mon: write about a food dish that you at on an imaginary trip that you took to any place you have not been before
tues: write about a future unusual pet that you like and why they are so special
wed: a characteristic about yourself that your friends value
thursday: invent a new ocean sport
fri: which super power would you pick? being able to fly or breathe underwater? and why?
sat: pick any object in the living room. imagine it comes alive at night hwen you are asleep. it goes out around town. describe it's typical night.
sun: you are a worker ant and have a crush on the queen. what is your plan to win her love?
aww. it took my breath away and made me crack up laughing at the same time.
the assignments are tough, and funny and downright odd and i really don't know if i'll be able to pull it off, but i love the thought behind them.
homework never felt so heartwarming.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
prelude to a haiku
driving into work last week i listened to ingrid michaelson singing "the way i am" http://aimini.net/view/?fid=fRuSSL77xG7Tv8I2b6E3 (love that song). in it, she like so many other poets, songwriters, declarers of love, etc sings about catching a falling lover.
in the midst of all my routine morning thoughts i found myself thinking about the concept of love and one person falling while the other catches them. while nice in theory, i think for me, when it comes to love i like the idea of instead having the other person fall right with me. no catcher, just us. two hopeful, excited, ring around the rosies, caught up in the moment, people falling. maybe never to be caught. maybe to enjoy the feeling of falling, falling, falling for as long as the drop may last.
haiku
i want you with me
not standing at the bottom
but here. fall-falling.
in the midst of all my routine morning thoughts i found myself thinking about the concept of love and one person falling while the other catches them. while nice in theory, i think for me, when it comes to love i like the idea of instead having the other person fall right with me. no catcher, just us. two hopeful, excited, ring around the rosies, caught up in the moment, people falling. maybe never to be caught. maybe to enjoy the feeling of falling, falling, falling for as long as the drop may last.
haiku
i want you with me
not standing at the bottom
but here. fall-falling.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
testing fate
on wednesday i'll be taking the license in clinical social work exam. it's taken me one master's degree, 2.5 years of accumulating 3000 supervised hours, paperwork, applications and a $175 exam fee to get to this point. if i pass i'll be licensed which means more liberty to do what i love doing, an opportunity to get paid more, and being able to sign LCSW after my name.
if i don't pass i'll be seriously bummed, embarrassed, out $175, and back to studying.
(let's hope i pass.)
because this is big. very big. i've worked hard to get to this point.
the not so funny thing is, that while i can recognize how big this is, my behaviors seem to show otherwise. whereas some people study for this exam for months, i've only just started studying last week. in fact, last night during my designated study time, i did everything possible to actually avoid studying. i pickled onions, made strawberry guava bars, chicken adobo and even built one of those do it yourself furniture sets from k-mart.
this morning with 2 days left, i cursed at myself. shook my head and freaked out internally. thoughts of failing run through my head, and i am suddenly clinging on to hope and good fortune as tight as i can.
while it does me no good, i still can't help but chastise myself. why do i always do this? really, why? i'm smart enough to recognize my bad decisions in procrastination, but i suppose dumb enough not to heed them. and perhaps that's because i've gotten away with this style of reckless behavior for so long. tsk. tsk. damn my good luck it does nothing for growth and change. (just kidding good luck, please stay with me. i love you)
i still remember being in grad school. it seemed i was always the last one to start projects. putting things off till i had almost no time to complete them. other classmates would say "you're only starting that now?!" and i'd do everything within my power not to glare them down with my meanest stink eye. time after time, despite promising myself i'd be better next time i'd find myself at the exact same place. racing the clock. too much to do and too little time. freaking out, stressing out, and then somehow, someway completing whatever needed to be completed just in the nick of time and just well enough to be successful.
and here i am doing it again. only the stakes are much higher.
the worst part is, each time i do this i vow to be more responsible, more organized, more prompt. and each time i end up being a big fat liar. and i know with each broken promise i further test and taunt fate. i worry that one day soon she's going to make me pay for my bad behaviors and laugh as i fall flat on my face.
i'm just really hoping that this one day soon, won't be wednesday.
so again. and this time i really really mean it. dear fate; please, please, please let me pass this test and i promise with all my heart i'll be better, more responsible and less rushed next time. i'll be that girl that gets her work done ahead of time. that's organized, structured, and prompt. that never ever procrastinates again.
pleeeeeeeaaaasssssseeeee.
if i don't pass i'll be seriously bummed, embarrassed, out $175, and back to studying.
(let's hope i pass.)
because this is big. very big. i've worked hard to get to this point.
the not so funny thing is, that while i can recognize how big this is, my behaviors seem to show otherwise. whereas some people study for this exam for months, i've only just started studying last week. in fact, last night during my designated study time, i did everything possible to actually avoid studying. i pickled onions, made strawberry guava bars, chicken adobo and even built one of those do it yourself furniture sets from k-mart.
this morning with 2 days left, i cursed at myself. shook my head and freaked out internally. thoughts of failing run through my head, and i am suddenly clinging on to hope and good fortune as tight as i can.
while it does me no good, i still can't help but chastise myself. why do i always do this? really, why? i'm smart enough to recognize my bad decisions in procrastination, but i suppose dumb enough not to heed them. and perhaps that's because i've gotten away with this style of reckless behavior for so long. tsk. tsk. damn my good luck it does nothing for growth and change. (just kidding good luck, please stay with me. i love you)
i still remember being in grad school. it seemed i was always the last one to start projects. putting things off till i had almost no time to complete them. other classmates would say "you're only starting that now?!" and i'd do everything within my power not to glare them down with my meanest stink eye. time after time, despite promising myself i'd be better next time i'd find myself at the exact same place. racing the clock. too much to do and too little time. freaking out, stressing out, and then somehow, someway completing whatever needed to be completed just in the nick of time and just well enough to be successful.
and here i am doing it again. only the stakes are much higher.
the worst part is, each time i do this i vow to be more responsible, more organized, more prompt. and each time i end up being a big fat liar. and i know with each broken promise i further test and taunt fate. i worry that one day soon she's going to make me pay for my bad behaviors and laugh as i fall flat on my face.
i'm just really hoping that this one day soon, won't be wednesday.
so again. and this time i really really mean it. dear fate; please, please, please let me pass this test and i promise with all my heart i'll be better, more responsible and less rushed next time. i'll be that girl that gets her work done ahead of time. that's organized, structured, and prompt. that never ever procrastinates again.
pleeeeeeeaaaasssssseeeee.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Romantic conversations.... umm sorta
While I don't write about it much, I am hopelessly in love with my boyfriend, Erik. We went on our first date on May 15, 09 and moved in together just last month. It's been a whirlwind of fun, romance, moments of challenge and love. I feel incredibly lucky.
I could go on and on about the many things I love about him, but I much prefer to tease. One of the things that cracks me up most about Erik is that every now and then he'll make a serious declaration of his love but it comes out all wrong.
I still remember our first kiss. It was the night of our first date. Immediately after he kissed me, he said something about "okay, well let's just be friends if anything." He was trying to convey that he still wanted to keep me as a friend even if things didn't work out romantically, but his words were all wrong. That's the last thing a girl wants to hear after a first kiss! Let's be friends?! (Wtf?) Fortunately, I could understand his intent, and knew what he meant, and it makes for funny and endearing memories.
Here are a couple other "romantic" conversations with Erik.
A couple months ago a friend and I were talking about marriage and engagements. We were talking about another friend who may be engaged soon, Erik was present and listened and participated in the conversation. A lot of times the conversation involved my girlfriend and I sharing about how we want things to be when we get engaged or married. I felt a little worried that all the marriage talk might freak Erik out so when we got home, I tried to reassure him that I was not looking for him to propose and he could be in this relationship without the intent to one day marry me. This was his response:
Erik: You know, I was thinking about it the other day actually, and if someone had a gun to my head and I had to choose between marrying you or never seeing or talking to you again, I would marry you.
Me: Thanks. So... if you had to choose between death or marrying me, you would choose to marry me?
Erik: No, what's death got to do with it? If I had to choose between never seeing you again or marrying you, I would marry you.
Me: What's the gun against your head for?
Erik: I don't know, it was there when I thought about it. Never mind, this is coming out all wrong.
Erik just started school again. He's going to HPU to become a nurse. It's a predominantly female profession so he's often 1 of 3-4 guys in most of his classes. Last night's romantic declaration went as follows:
Erik: So you know, I was checking out all the hot girls in my class, and I want you to know that I feel very happy and lucky to be with you.
Me: So, you were checking out all the hot girls in your class?
Erik: Damnit, that's not what I meant.
Such romance, eh?
But, while the boy does have an extraordinary skill for sticking his foot in his mouth, he is very good to me, and even begrudgingly allows me to post whatever I like about him, so I guess it's a fair trade.
I could go on and on about the many things I love about him, but I much prefer to tease. One of the things that cracks me up most about Erik is that every now and then he'll make a serious declaration of his love but it comes out all wrong.
I still remember our first kiss. It was the night of our first date. Immediately after he kissed me, he said something about "okay, well let's just be friends if anything." He was trying to convey that he still wanted to keep me as a friend even if things didn't work out romantically, but his words were all wrong. That's the last thing a girl wants to hear after a first kiss! Let's be friends?! (Wtf?) Fortunately, I could understand his intent, and knew what he meant, and it makes for funny and endearing memories.
Here are a couple other "romantic" conversations with Erik.
A couple months ago a friend and I were talking about marriage and engagements. We were talking about another friend who may be engaged soon, Erik was present and listened and participated in the conversation. A lot of times the conversation involved my girlfriend and I sharing about how we want things to be when we get engaged or married. I felt a little worried that all the marriage talk might freak Erik out so when we got home, I tried to reassure him that I was not looking for him to propose and he could be in this relationship without the intent to one day marry me. This was his response:
Erik: You know, I was thinking about it the other day actually, and if someone had a gun to my head and I had to choose between marrying you or never seeing or talking to you again, I would marry you.
Me: Thanks. So... if you had to choose between death or marrying me, you would choose to marry me?
Erik: No, what's death got to do with it? If I had to choose between never seeing you again or marrying you, I would marry you.
Me: What's the gun against your head for?
Erik: I don't know, it was there when I thought about it. Never mind, this is coming out all wrong.
Erik just started school again. He's going to HPU to become a nurse. It's a predominantly female profession so he's often 1 of 3-4 guys in most of his classes. Last night's romantic declaration went as follows:
Erik: So you know, I was checking out all the hot girls in my class, and I want you to know that I feel very happy and lucky to be with you.
Me: So, you were checking out all the hot girls in your class?
Erik: Damnit, that's not what I meant.
Such romance, eh?
But, while the boy does have an extraordinary skill for sticking his foot in his mouth, he is very good to me, and even begrudgingly allows me to post whatever I like about him, so I guess it's a fair trade.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)