allowed me to stumble across this lovely quote:
precisely the right disasters comes at the right moment to break us open to the helplessness that an opening of the heart requires.~coleman barks
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
bliss
i love words.
i love the way they explain things.
i love the way they roll off my tongue.
i love the way, that when i find the right word, whether it be for a poem, a statement, or in my own busy head, it provides freedom, release and peace.
with words we predict our future.
yes.
no.
can.
cannot.
will.
won't.
with words we make and break our relationships.
we can say hello or goodbye.
we start and finish... and fill in all that's in between.
for the past three years, to mark the new year and send off a wish for what i hope it will bring, i've chosen a single word. this word serves as an intention. a reminder. it's the word i fall back on throughout the year seeking it out and trying to understand it to the best of my ability.
words are tricky.
one single word can have so much meaning.
and each year that i choose a word, i learn it's meaning in more way than one.
2008 was a hard year. it was a year that involved many wonderful experiences, but also one of many losses and a lot of hardship. i wanted `09 to be better, so i chose the word bliss, thinking it was a no fail word. that there was going to be no downside to bliss.
and there isn't, at least not yet that i've noticed (fingers crossed), but i've learned that bliss isn't as simple as i once thought.
i'm not alone in my word tradition and learning each word throughout the year... many other friends have joined me in this new year's practice.
one particular friend, chessa, chose the word joy.
her 08 was also tough, and as we planned for 09 to come around we both moaned and groaned to each other that we hoped it would be easier.
a couple months ago chessa started documenting her daily joys. it's something i love to keep tabs on. first, i love getting a glimpse into what it is that brings a smile to her face each day and second, i just think it's a really cute and cool idea.
each day she takes a moment to make a tribute to joy. in one of her entries she wrote: sometimes, joy is what shows up only after the pain finally stops.
and just as chessa is getting to know her word in more ways than she had figured, i am learning my own chosen word as well.
this is what i am learning...
bliss is found in moments. it's not something one can hold onto or even control. it's not even something you can summon, though i have tried to do so many times. instead, at least in my experience, it is like a rainbow in the sky. something that just happens to appears when the conditions are right. and if you keep your head to the skies and are in the right place at the right time, you'll be lucky enough to enjoy it.
in this year i've tried to create moments of bliss, i've tried to evoke the feeling only to find myself frustrated and discouraged. i've found myself in the midst of a handful of things that should have made me happy beyond belief, only to feel sad, down, and annoyed. searching and wondering "where is my bliss?!"
but when i've let things be and went about my day, i found it showed up here and there without any meddling of my own.it was in morning coffee sessions. in the surf. in the sunset. in a warm embrace or a belly laugh. it wasn't something i could bring to the table, but if i took the time to focus and appreciate the moment, then there it was, darting in and out, here and there. reflecting off the bits and pieces of my life.
in addition to learning that bliss is not within my control, i've also learned that it requires a bit of bravery. it requires following, which contrary to popular belief, isn't for the meek, but instead is for the trusting. to be blissfully happy is to let go. to give in to the senses and let all else fall away.
whether it be:
in love
in the moment
in life
to follow bliss requires a certain degree of faith. it means not asking questions but instead just letting that little voice or feeling in me lead. it means listening to what it is that speaks to me in a silent language, even if i don't fully understand what it's saying or know where it's going to take me. it requires the courage to be okay with things not making sense.
it requires more being. less pleasing. more allowing. less searching and trying to figure it all out.
bliss.
it's a beautiful word that i am enjoying the challenge of learning.and while we're still a bit off, as yet another year starts to dwindle down, i find myself thinking about my next word for my next year. i'm thinking maybe next year i'll go in the opposite direction. choose a word that's usually unappealing and learn the upsides.
we shall see...
i love the way they explain things.
i love the way they roll off my tongue.
i love the way, that when i find the right word, whether it be for a poem, a statement, or in my own busy head, it provides freedom, release and peace.
with words we predict our future.
yes.
no.
can.
cannot.
will.
won't.
with words we make and break our relationships.
we can say hello or goodbye.
we start and finish... and fill in all that's in between.
for the past three years, to mark the new year and send off a wish for what i hope it will bring, i've chosen a single word. this word serves as an intention. a reminder. it's the word i fall back on throughout the year seeking it out and trying to understand it to the best of my ability.
words are tricky.
one single word can have so much meaning.
and each year that i choose a word, i learn it's meaning in more way than one.
2008 was a hard year. it was a year that involved many wonderful experiences, but also one of many losses and a lot of hardship. i wanted `09 to be better, so i chose the word bliss, thinking it was a no fail word. that there was going to be no downside to bliss.
and there isn't, at least not yet that i've noticed (fingers crossed), but i've learned that bliss isn't as simple as i once thought.
i'm not alone in my word tradition and learning each word throughout the year... many other friends have joined me in this new year's practice.
one particular friend, chessa, chose the word joy.
her 08 was also tough, and as we planned for 09 to come around we both moaned and groaned to each other that we hoped it would be easier.
a couple months ago chessa started documenting her daily joys. it's something i love to keep tabs on. first, i love getting a glimpse into what it is that brings a smile to her face each day and second, i just think it's a really cute and cool idea.
each day she takes a moment to make a tribute to joy. in one of her entries she wrote: sometimes, joy is what shows up only after the pain finally stops.
and just as chessa is getting to know her word in more ways than she had figured, i am learning my own chosen word as well.
this is what i am learning...
bliss is found in moments. it's not something one can hold onto or even control. it's not even something you can summon, though i have tried to do so many times. instead, at least in my experience, it is like a rainbow in the sky. something that just happens to appears when the conditions are right. and if you keep your head to the skies and are in the right place at the right time, you'll be lucky enough to enjoy it.
in this year i've tried to create moments of bliss, i've tried to evoke the feeling only to find myself frustrated and discouraged. i've found myself in the midst of a handful of things that should have made me happy beyond belief, only to feel sad, down, and annoyed. searching and wondering "where is my bliss?!"
but when i've let things be and went about my day, i found it showed up here and there without any meddling of my own.it was in morning coffee sessions. in the surf. in the sunset. in a warm embrace or a belly laugh. it wasn't something i could bring to the table, but if i took the time to focus and appreciate the moment, then there it was, darting in and out, here and there. reflecting off the bits and pieces of my life.
in addition to learning that bliss is not within my control, i've also learned that it requires a bit of bravery. it requires following, which contrary to popular belief, isn't for the meek, but instead is for the trusting. to be blissfully happy is to let go. to give in to the senses and let all else fall away.
whether it be:
in love
in the moment
in life
to follow bliss requires a certain degree of faith. it means not asking questions but instead just letting that little voice or feeling in me lead. it means listening to what it is that speaks to me in a silent language, even if i don't fully understand what it's saying or know where it's going to take me. it requires the courage to be okay with things not making sense.
it requires more being. less pleasing. more allowing. less searching and trying to figure it all out.
bliss.
it's a beautiful word that i am enjoying the challenge of learning.and while we're still a bit off, as yet another year starts to dwindle down, i find myself thinking about my next word for my next year. i'm thinking maybe next year i'll go in the opposite direction. choose a word that's usually unappealing and learn the upsides.
we shall see...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
thoughts on green grass, daisies and erik
My ever so optimistic friend, Kira, likes to say, “The grass isn’t greenest on the other side of the fence. The grass is greenest on my side.”
She’s one of those people I aspire to be like—always finding the upside in down times. Most recently, when her apartment flooded, instead of complaining, she told me how lucky she was to have her in-laws to stay with. When I asked, “Isn’t it an inconvenience?” she just shrugged and smiled.
I am not at Kira’s level yet. Far from it. I swing both ways on my green-grass philosophy. Some days I believe the grass is green wherever you water it. Other days I find myself hopping fences without meaning to, watering someone else’s yard while complaining about what’s missing in my own.
My grass is like a Dr. Seuss rhyme that never quite rhymes: green grass, brown grass. Good life, blah life. I never quite know what mood I’ll wake up in. It frustrates me, because I know I’ve got it good. Really good. But I can’t always feel the goodness of it.
And all this talk about grass, when the truth is, I don’t have any grass.
Just concrete.
That, and four long garden boxes Erik built for me. Boxes that hold strawberries, chilies, basil, rosemary, lettuce, and a few stubborn extras, including the Gerbera daisies I had to fight for.
(Several months ago at the garden shop)
Me: Oooh. Let’s get these! They’re so pretty!
Erik: Really? But they’re kind of useless. They’ll take up space—we could grow something useful instead.
Me: What? They’re not useless. They make me happy.
(Needless to say, I won that argument.)
Since he takes charge of watering, everything stays green… and pink, and red, and orange too. No grass, but that’s okay.
Because in this time of grays and greens, ups and downs, questions, fears, and the constant low hum of wondering what I’m doing with my life or whether I’ll live up to my potential, whether I still even have potential, I’m learning something.
Even if I end up desolate, dejected, and far less than I hoped to be, I’ll be okay. Because I’ve got family and friends who will love me anyway. Who will tell me I’m good. Who will stay.
And I’ve got Erik.
As weeks turn into months and newness settles into something steadier, as we grow into an “us,” I find myself forgetting what life felt like without him. I’m learning this:
I’ve got a man who builds me a garden with daisies even when he thinks they take up space.
A man who, if I were to pick a daisy in that garden and strip it down to its last petal whispering “he loves me not,” would still love me without hesitation. And if a hundred daisies came to the same conclusion, he would still stand, unwavering.
There is something to be said for someone who is not shy with their feelings, who doesn’t go a day without letting me know I am loved.
And maybe that is the greenest green. The bluest blue. Maybe it’s the color I always wished there was a word for—the one I used to call “Alaska” as a child. Not knowing it was a place, not a color, but imagining it anyway: everything in the world swirled together like an oil slick on pavement, but somehow beautiful.
As time goes on, maybe I am becoming just a little more like Kira.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
friday night's homework: incomplete
which super power would you pick? being able to fly or breathe underwater? and why?
both would be awesome, but i would fly
both would be awesome, but i would fly
Friday, October 23, 2009
thursday: invent a new ocean sport
water running.
it will start with a couple of crazy kids strapping baby water wings to their feet and then challenging each other to see who can stay standing the longest.
a couple challengers will be naturally good at this. from there, the challenge will change to racing each other.
friends will tell friends, and more and more people will try.
there will be makeshift competitions with cases of beer given out as prizes.
popularity will grow.
after some time, an entrepenuer will see $$ signs in his mind and develop and market special water running shoes which promise to make you faster than ever.
a commercial will be made using cool imagery, inspiring messages and a really handsome athlete.
people will dress up as jesus and race each other. this will cause controversy and end up on the news, thus further spreading the word about water running.
professional water runners will emerge.
paris hilton will date one of them and state "w.r.a.h!" (water runners are hot!)
a 5k to benefit the leukemia and lymphoma society will be held.
then a half marathon.
then a marathon.
p.diddy and oprah will train to compete.
and that is the story of the invent of water running.
it will start with a couple of crazy kids strapping baby water wings to their feet and then challenging each other to see who can stay standing the longest.
a couple challengers will be naturally good at this. from there, the challenge will change to racing each other.
friends will tell friends, and more and more people will try.
there will be makeshift competitions with cases of beer given out as prizes.
popularity will grow.
after some time, an entrepenuer will see $$ signs in his mind and develop and market special water running shoes which promise to make you faster than ever.
a commercial will be made using cool imagery, inspiring messages and a really handsome athlete.
people will dress up as jesus and race each other. this will cause controversy and end up on the news, thus further spreading the word about water running.
professional water runners will emerge.
paris hilton will date one of them and state "w.r.a.h!" (water runners are hot!)
a 5k to benefit the leukemia and lymphoma society will be held.
then a half marathon.
then a marathon.
p.diddy and oprah will train to compete.
and that is the story of the invent of water running.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
wed: a characteristic about yourself that your friends value
while i don't think this would be the first thing to come to people's minds, i think one thing that friends tend to value about me is my predictability.
this morning i picked malia up before i went to work to let her borrow my car. on the way to work we talked about various things, one being the blog. she laughed and stated about how my last blog, where i first complained about erik's homework and then did it and seemed to get into it, was so typically me.
predictable: to declare or tell in advance; prophesy; foretell: to predict the weather; to predict the fall of a civilization.
friends capitalize on teasing me knowing the reaction they'll get.
they know that if they scare me i'll scream
if they come to me to talk, i'll listen.
if they need me, i'll be there.
if they have a problem, i'll offer help
that i love new experiences
if you dare me i'm likely to do it, even if i don't want to
i make sucker bets
if i can jump it i'll want to
that i'll usually need to be coaxed into things that involve spotlights
they know if i'm trying to explain myself i'll use an analogy.
and that i'll end this list here, semi incomplete and be fine with it
i think my friends value that they know me.
this morning i picked malia up before i went to work to let her borrow my car. on the way to work we talked about various things, one being the blog. she laughed and stated about how my last blog, where i first complained about erik's homework and then did it and seemed to get into it, was so typically me.
predictable: to declare or tell in advance; prophesy; foretell: to predict the weather; to predict the fall of a civilization.
friends capitalize on teasing me knowing the reaction they'll get.
they know that if they scare me i'll scream
if they come to me to talk, i'll listen.
if they need me, i'll be there.
if they have a problem, i'll offer help
that i love new experiences
if you dare me i'm likely to do it, even if i don't want to
i make sucker bets
if i can jump it i'll want to
that i'll usually need to be coaxed into things that involve spotlights
they know if i'm trying to explain myself i'll use an analogy.
and that i'll end this list here, semi incomplete and be fine with it
i think my friends value that they know me.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
tuesday night's homework: write about a future unusual pet that you like and why they are so special
while well intentioned and definitely (at least to me) aww worthy, erik's homework isn't quite cutting it for me. i love the thought behind it but it's not the kind of writing i want to do.
i want...
i want to write amazing pieces. i want to figure out a way to string words together in such a way that make people pause. that speak to them. catch them. make them feel something they haven't felt. or maybe something they're needing to feel... pieces that feed one's soul. not in the chicken soup kind of way, but in a different way. a way that connects us all as humans.
i believe that our experiences while vastly different are often quite connected. and though the context might vary, i think most of us go through many of the same emotions. hope. fear. disappointment. happiness. excitement. nervousness. embarrassment. etc. etc. etc. i love writing about emotions. i love learning to understand them more. in myself and in others. i want to write pieces that feed the emotional sides of us. that both stir and soothe those parts of us at the exact same time.
that's what i want.
and it's scary to want something and not know if it's possible. attainable. i have no idea if i'm going to be the writer i want to be. i'm 30 years old and not off to the best start. and now with this ongoing writer's block, it feels like what little umph i had, has disappeared. but i've been here before. questioning myself. wondering if want and reality are on the same page, or if something's gotta give.
i remember while in the dating scene, time and time again i wondered if i'd ever find someone i connected with. loved. i searched for something that was missing. something i never had before, but believed existed. that something was both foreign and familiar.
this want to write. to be a writer. is like that. and it scares me to say it aloud, but it is my truth. it is my desire. and so i'm putting it out there...
but i'm way off subject. so enough rambling. it's time i get on with this homework assignment and tell you about my pet fronkey, floyd.
i found floyd while i was in peru. it was after i sucked it up, stopped thinking of my cuy as a pet and ate the damn thing. it was gooood. who knew guinea pig could be so tasty??
after that, i went for a walk to ease my stomach. my walk led down a dirt path and on that dirt path was an adolescent boy with a cardboard box full of fronkeys. i'd never heard nor seen a fronkey before. it was the most unusual thing to see these cross breeds of monkeys and frogs.
later, after returning to hawaii i learned that fronkeys were the experiment of some peruvian scientist who created these animals by genetically tampering with their dna. the experiment went well, but due to controversy, was forced to shut down. the fronkeys were scheduled to be exterminated, however, the night before their extermination someone broke into the facility and let the creatures escape. they ran off to the jungle and repopulated wreaking havoc on the environmental systems. this is currently a big crisis in peru. however, government officials have been trying to keep quiet about it, as not to deter tourism and put peru in bad light. currently there are tons of people who are trying to exterminate them, but others who catch fronkeys and use them for financial gain by selling them through the black market. and then there are the occasional people who sell fronkeys to unsuspecting tourists, like the kid i came across, on the day i met floyd.
anyway, back to my story... the box was filled with 3 small (about the size of chihuahuas) creatures shaped like monkeys, but with green fur, webbed feet, a long slender tongue and these big brown eyes that could make you melt. and melt i did the moment one of them (floyed) looked up at me.
i didn't think. i went off of pure instinct and knew i had to have him. it was as if, and i know this sounds crazy, we had met in a former life. he had been my pet once before. and i knew my mission was to buy him, take him home and care for him.
and so i did. it wasn't easy and involved a lot of risk and a lot of illegal activity, as fronkeys aren't allowed outside of peru. but with a lot of luck and good fortune on my side, i was able to pull it off.
adjusting to being a pet owner of a strange and exotic pet took time. i learned a lot about responsibility and taking care of living things, but it has been an amazing experience.
as for what's so special about this unusual pet. well, i could go on and on about floyd... he is the cutest thing. i love coming home to him happily swinging on the closet bar. and i also love the fact that he kills all of the bugs in the house including those big huge roaches that used to scare the crap out of me. he's also a great swimmer and extremely agile. and, i mean, come on, he's a fronkey! that in itself is special with a capital S. but to me, what makes him special is just that he's... well, him. and when he looks at me with those big brown eyes and that cute little green face, there's just no words.
this past weekend we celebrated his 3rd birthday. yes, i know i've become one of "those" pet owners that do weird things like throw birthday parties for their animals. but i just had to. and it really was more just an excuse to have some fun with friends. check out the cake! the decorator totally screwed it up by making it brown instead of green, but it's still pretty cute, isn't it ???
i want...
i want to write amazing pieces. i want to figure out a way to string words together in such a way that make people pause. that speak to them. catch them. make them feel something they haven't felt. or maybe something they're needing to feel... pieces that feed one's soul. not in the chicken soup kind of way, but in a different way. a way that connects us all as humans.
i believe that our experiences while vastly different are often quite connected. and though the context might vary, i think most of us go through many of the same emotions. hope. fear. disappointment. happiness. excitement. nervousness. embarrassment. etc. etc. etc. i love writing about emotions. i love learning to understand them more. in myself and in others. i want to write pieces that feed the emotional sides of us. that both stir and soothe those parts of us at the exact same time.
that's what i want.
and it's scary to want something and not know if it's possible. attainable. i have no idea if i'm going to be the writer i want to be. i'm 30 years old and not off to the best start. and now with this ongoing writer's block, it feels like what little umph i had, has disappeared. but i've been here before. questioning myself. wondering if want and reality are on the same page, or if something's gotta give.
i remember while in the dating scene, time and time again i wondered if i'd ever find someone i connected with. loved. i searched for something that was missing. something i never had before, but believed existed. that something was both foreign and familiar.
this want to write. to be a writer. is like that. and it scares me to say it aloud, but it is my truth. it is my desire. and so i'm putting it out there...
but i'm way off subject. so enough rambling. it's time i get on with this homework assignment and tell you about my pet fronkey, floyd.
i found floyd while i was in peru. it was after i sucked it up, stopped thinking of my cuy as a pet and ate the damn thing. it was gooood. who knew guinea pig could be so tasty??
after that, i went for a walk to ease my stomach. my walk led down a dirt path and on that dirt path was an adolescent boy with a cardboard box full of fronkeys. i'd never heard nor seen a fronkey before. it was the most unusual thing to see these cross breeds of monkeys and frogs.
later, after returning to hawaii i learned that fronkeys were the experiment of some peruvian scientist who created these animals by genetically tampering with their dna. the experiment went well, but due to controversy, was forced to shut down. the fronkeys were scheduled to be exterminated, however, the night before their extermination someone broke into the facility and let the creatures escape. they ran off to the jungle and repopulated wreaking havoc on the environmental systems. this is currently a big crisis in peru. however, government officials have been trying to keep quiet about it, as not to deter tourism and put peru in bad light. currently there are tons of people who are trying to exterminate them, but others who catch fronkeys and use them for financial gain by selling them through the black market. and then there are the occasional people who sell fronkeys to unsuspecting tourists, like the kid i came across, on the day i met floyd.
anyway, back to my story... the box was filled with 3 small (about the size of chihuahuas) creatures shaped like monkeys, but with green fur, webbed feet, a long slender tongue and these big brown eyes that could make you melt. and melt i did the moment one of them (floyed) looked up at me.
i didn't think. i went off of pure instinct and knew i had to have him. it was as if, and i know this sounds crazy, we had met in a former life. he had been my pet once before. and i knew my mission was to buy him, take him home and care for him.
and so i did. it wasn't easy and involved a lot of risk and a lot of illegal activity, as fronkeys aren't allowed outside of peru. but with a lot of luck and good fortune on my side, i was able to pull it off.
adjusting to being a pet owner of a strange and exotic pet took time. i learned a lot about responsibility and taking care of living things, but it has been an amazing experience.
as for what's so special about this unusual pet. well, i could go on and on about floyd... he is the cutest thing. i love coming home to him happily swinging on the closet bar. and i also love the fact that he kills all of the bugs in the house including those big huge roaches that used to scare the crap out of me. he's also a great swimmer and extremely agile. and, i mean, come on, he's a fronkey! that in itself is special with a capital S. but to me, what makes him special is just that he's... well, him. and when he looks at me with those big brown eyes and that cute little green face, there's just no words.
this past weekend we celebrated his 3rd birthday. yes, i know i've become one of "those" pet owners that do weird things like throw birthday parties for their animals. but i just had to. and it really was more just an excuse to have some fun with friends. check out the cake! the decorator totally screwed it up by making it brown instead of green, but it's still pretty cute, isn't it ???
(photo taken from: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)