i knew i loved her, but sometimes i hated her.
i am 19. kimi 18... it is 1998.
i'm back home for summer. it's the year after my freshman year in college. it's good to be home. the days are warm and the times are fun. but still... as much fun as we have, kimi and i fight like cats and dogs. or maybe just dogs... of the female variety.
i read a lot. different books that make my mind wander into different possibilities.
one book talks of a native tribe who's right of passage into adulthood included taking a young boy out deep into the woods and leaving him there. if he returned alive, he was a man. if he didn't... well, he was neither boy nor man, i suppose.
i don't know what we were fighting about on this particular day. our fights were always nothings turned into big somethings that usually went like this: hurt feelings, angry words, occasional pushes and punches, followed by "leave me alone!!" "i can't stand you!!" "you're such a *&@#!" later followed by *sob* *sniffle* "i'm sorry... i love you... let's not fight."
on this particular day, we were in the middle of "leave me alone, i can't stand you, i need my space. you're such a *&@#!"
"i'm leaving." i tell her. and share my plans about going for a long hike in the woods. "when will you be back?" she demands. "i don't know." i retort and tell her about the boy in the book i was reading. "well fine!" she says. "but i'm coming with you. you can't just take the car and go" (we shared a car at that time).
"fine. but i dont' want you by me."
"fine. i don't even want to be by you."
"good."
"good."
angry looks and stink eye galore.
we drive to to the west maui mountains. turn up a road and follow it into the back of the valley. we have no idea where we are, but find a trail and begin to walk. it's a valley, and a stream cuts through it. i take one side of the river, she takes the other. and as we walk we cut away from and back to the river, snaking our way deeper into the valley.
we glare at each other when one another is visible. but as the walk continues, our anger goes from a boil to a simmer. our glares and scowls soften and before we know it, one of us cracks a smile. and like a yawn, suddenly it becomes contagious.
we find a swimming hole. strip down and hop in. we truce. decide to be friends again. make our ammends.
and then we decide to continue walking... only i like my side of the river and she likes hers. so we stick to our sides, and continue on. this time feeling connected by the river between us instead of separated. as our trails wind, we get glimpses of each other, and then lose each other. after sometime, i am all alone. i don't give it much thought, and keep going.
the sun drops.
before i know it, it is dark and i have no idea where she is. "the river must have split" i think to myself. and i make my way back. calling for her, but hearing no response.
in no time, evening turns to night, and while i can make out the moon through the trees, it is a dark, dark night.
i can't see anything except for the shadowy trees, and i try my best to follow the river, shouting for her to no avail.
i fall several times, soaking myself and realizing it is pointless to search for her now. it's too dark. wait till morning.
and though i don't want to stop searching. stop going. i eventually decide to stop and crawl into a tree to sleep. my mind races. i'm worried about her. and i keep hoping that she's okay. what if she fell?... what if she got hurt?... what if i can't find her?
i think of how i'll explain this to my parents and i whisper a thousand prayers and make as many "i promise i'll never..." promises i can come up with. i pray to God, even though i'm not sure i believe in him. "please God, please... please let her be okay. i'm sorry. please. i'll do anything." and eventually i fall asleep in the middle of a prayer.
morning arrives and i wake with a start. scrambling quickly to my feet, i continue on in the direction of our car, hoping she's done the same. i'm shout with all my might calling her name over and over again "kimi!!!! kimi!!!!"
no answer.
panic strikes and tears start to well up. i call again. no answer. i am frantic.
then suddenly i hear my name "christy!!" in the distance. it's the most beautiful sound in the world. okay... well actually it's a scratchy, shrieky sound that's filled with panic, but in the moment, it's music to my ears. i try to shout back but my voice is gone. it sounds like i'm gasping for air. i run as fast as a i can in her direction, and finally find her.
we embrace each other. mirror back the same look a person has when they find something they've lost. relief, happiness, gratification. we smile, hug, sigh, laugh, and maybe even cry.
we make our way back to the car and back to life as we know it.
our right of passage into womanhood? i'm not sure. but into renewed appreciation, and less fighting for the rest of the summer, yes.
