My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. While miscarriages are common (some statistics say 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in miscarriage), a person's reaction to a miscarriage can vary. For me, it was devastating. I felt completely shattered. We had been trying to conceive with no luck, and when I saw the two little lines on a pregnancy test after being told the possibility of me getting pregnant without IVF was close to none, it felt destined and kismet. Even more serendipitous was that the baby's due date was my birthday. I knew within my heart of hearts that this child was meant to be that that I was meant to have him/her. I was elated, confident and so so grateful.
At 10 weeks, with no outward signs or symptoms to indicate a miscarriage, at a routine doctor's appointment I was told with all certainty that what I so confidently knew to be true, was not. Life's colors dulled that day and for many days and months following. There was a wind tunnel effect in my head, and a hole in the pit of my being.
It took me 2 years before I was willing to try again. The thought of trying to conceive would put me right in touch with my grief and loss, and it was like touching a searing hot stove. I recoiled at once, and would think, no- I can't. No.
Over time my longing to have a child eventually outweighed my fear of losing a baby and back on the proverbial horse I got. In August of 2016 I sat with a positive pregnancy test once again, and hope mixed with a whole lot of fear in my heart.
This is where I learned to create my panel. It's a tool I use whenever I find fear taking over space for something big, beautiful, wanted and terrifying.
During my pregnancy with Kama I would feel nauseas one day, and fine the next. Fear would say "oh no! it's happening again! we lost the baby!" and I would feel anxious and devastated. While I believe that fear is often an expression of love-- a sign sometimes of just how badly we want something, I also knew that I did not want to go through my entire pregnancy bouncing off the walls in such an anxiety ridden way.
I decided I could not let Fear be the project manger on this endeavor and instead developed my panel. I sat down and thought about what emotions and states of being I wanted most present in my pregnancy and selected Wonderment, Gratitude and Trust as my leaders. Every time Fear said "something's wrong" I would turn to Wonderment and she would say "Isn't it amazing that one day you can puke your brains out and the next day you're feeling fine? Isn't it neat how sometimes the baby moves a ton and other days he's quiet and still? I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I wonder what the next hour will bring? This pregnancy thing is so fascinating." Gratitude would counsel- "whatever is to happen all I know is that in this moment I am so eternally grateful to be pregnant. I'm so grateful to watch my body grow. To feel changes. To be in this moment. In fact I'm so grateful for so many things. A loving husband, the flowers that are blooming, etc. etc." Trust would close the deal with mantras "I can trust my body. I can trust my baby. I can trust this. Breath in and out. Trust. We've got this."
Again and again, I went to my selected panel throughout my entire pregnancy and I had such a joyous pregnancy. I felt connected, grounded and present.
I've found this practice helpful for myself and others whenever there is a pregnancy of any kind. Pregnant with the hope of what if, pregnant with an idea or a creative endeavor or anything else.
I hope maybe it will be helpful to you too.
Light & Love,
Christy
*side note- I want to credit Elizabeth Gilbert's work in Big Magic as inspiration for the development of this tool.
