i will say

that in our finest moments 
we were beautiful


like a belly laugh
or the perfect satisfying meal


like a lightning storm
in the middle of summer
 


or the tears one sheds when life is hard
and the way hearts can break over and over again



or maybe, just as we were

two pairs of mischievous eyes
staring back at one another
dancing with excitement
for all that life could be

Untold stories

Perhaps one day I'll tell the story of the guy who came into my shop with a heart in his pocket. As I rang him up for a bottle of one of my favored Spanish reds I saw it's outline through the cloth of his pale buttoned up shirt and I couldn't hold back my curiosity. I pressed for details, asking him to quite literally place his heart on the table.

And he did. He displayed the paper heart with note attached and gave me the gift of a small but beautiful glimpse into his life.

It was a story that made me smile. At love. Specifically and uniquely his.

Tickled, I quickly went outside to share the story with friends. But my timing was off and the interest was not there. Though, to be honest, even more than that, I think it was because I was meant to savor the encounter alone. Sometimes a sacred thing gets diminished by sharing. Growing up in Hawaii and having my secret playgrounds become not so secret, I know this all too well. Conversely, sometimes something becomes more sacred when shared with others...but in this case it became evident that this was meant for me to keep.

After all, there may have been something lost in it's telling. Perhaps I wouldn't have done it justice, or it wouldn't have been well received in all of it's not so glorious glory. Because really, it was just a simple story... there were no lives saved in it's making, no grand conquests of triumph over tragedy, no earth shattering realizations. It was fluff. Like that lone cloud that sits in the sky, just a wisp in the air, not even capable of rain, and hardly big enough to take shape.

But sometimes fluff is that perfect distraction to direct your gaze up toward the heavens. To take in the expansiveness of the big blue sky that lies behind it.

And perhaps it is a story I will not tell. Perhaps I will let it be what it was- a passing moment. A flash of beauty. A glimpse within. For just as there is value in the telling, there is also a quiet beauty in all that goes unsaid.

the shelf

I went down to the ocean to surf today but I sat at the top of Cliffs and watched the waves go from pretty good to not so good in a matter of 15 min. I just sat there staring. Unsure of what I wanted to do. 

Feeling a sense of defeat for not being able to fully motivate myself, I decided not to go and headed back home.

Today I feel broken. Splintered. Or maybe shattered. Like the glass door of the beer fridge at Oliver, that I want to replace but am told not to, as it continues to work just fine. On slow nights at the wine shop I spend my nights staring at it. I remember the night it was broken. I saw it shatter, and yet remain intact because of the two walls of tempered safety glass on each side. But it remains broken on the inside and for all the world to see. A pretty mosaic. A translucent jagged puzzle. People who come into the shop often share that it looks so cool that way, and I always smile and nod, but the truth is, deep down inside I keep wondering if one day soon, it’s all going to fall apart. I'm anticipating the day when I will have to clean it up.

Like the glass, my type of broken is jagged and can cut, but it's not quite so pretty. I have no passerbys stopping to oooh and ahhh. It's just there. Raw emotions tangled up inside of me not knowing their way out.

An adolescent girl is haunting me. She’s not a ghost, but could easily become one if her depression continues to worsen, and her will to live keeps slipping. 

She’s been through so much and my heart overflows with pain for her sorrows. Overflows with rage for the injustice and unfairness that’s fallen and continues to fall upon her. And of course there is fear too. A vat full of it, because I am tasked with helping her step away from her hopelessness and into a better place.

I don’t get to have these feelings at work. They go on an imaginary shelf that sits behind my heart. She talks, I listen. My feelings come up and I automatically shelve them so I can be there for her. So I can be calm enough to take in all that she doles out, and so that I can have enough compassion to house all of her feelings, in hopes that maybe, just maybe, that will help. I shelve everything I feel so that I can listen openly while ignoring the urge to scream. I shelve everything, so there is enough quietness so that maybe, just maybe the right words will come. So that maybe healing will happen.

At the end of yesterday, I just don’t know. I cringe at my smallness. At how limited an hour a week is. What dent will that make? What difference? I just don't know...

And today... the emotions that I put on the shelf topple forward. 

Surfing is not the answer. 

But perhaps a hike is…a long arduous hike, in which I put one foot in front of the other, to get from here to there. To look. To breathe. To take in many moments of infinite appreciation and disdain for the fact that life is so cruel and so beautiful all at the same time. 

pre travel continued...

I keep thinking about that big open blue sky we'll see as we're traveling from Hawaii to Bolivia. My mouth salivates with delicious anticipation.

When I was in the midst of completing my 30 before 30 list, it was all I could talk about for the 6 month period. I was focused, excited and driven. But over time, I also became a little self conscious that I had become a 30 before 30 list talking machine and that I would soon exhaust everyone around me… that someone would put a pillow over my head to drown out the noise. But I couldn’t stop. I was in obsessed mode.

Now I’ve got travel on my mind and it seems to be all I can think and talk about. It is always there, in my thoughts, permeating through every part of my life. I drive my car, and think about the busses we’ll be catching. I eat food and start to wonder what my favorite meals will be. I look at the sky and wonder how different it will look way over there.

But more than that, it’s my hopes, my fears, and everything that must be done that cycle through my mind at high speed. It feels like there is so much to do and know before we actually leave. How do people actually do this? I’ve been reading blogs from other travelers, but haven’t found the little details about the lead up. The neurosis involved.

My stuff…

As of now, all 3 jobs of mine have been alerted of my intended leave. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such great supportive employers. I can’t really believe my luck and feel a great sense of gratitude that almost makes me teary eyed when I really allow myself to sit with it. It also makes me feel incredibly guilty, but I try just to focus on how grateful I am. Each job will allow me to return and pick up work again. I don’t need to resign and reapply; I just get back and go back to work. How lucky is that?

I’m not sure of what to do with our place. We’re only gone for 3 months… which makes it hard. It’s not financially worth it to pay rent for the 3 months we’re gone. While Erik and I have found a nice home in this place, we’re also not extremely attached to it. But leaving and coming back essentially homeless does present its problems. We might be able to couch surf for a week or so with friends, but being a burden is not a comfortable thing for me, and the idea of scrambling to find a new place scares me. We will be desperate and being desperate has never fared well for me.

The idea of having that safety net of a home to return to is comforting. The idea of getting rid of so much of our belongings and simplifying, and then starting anew is refreshing. It’s hard to know which choice will be the right one. 

I’ve been putting off calling my landlord to alert her of our upcoming trip because I just don’t know what to tell her and I just don’t know what we want… 

And there's more... but I've rambled enough for today.

pre travel

I have been staring at pictures of lands unknown. I have become a peeping Tom into the great big world out there. Staring into the windows of other people’s captured moments. There is a quiet excitement to the process.

As I plan this trip, my excitement grows, along with a tremor of vulnerability. I can’t quite explain it, but there is a squiggle (yes, a squiggle) of emotion that moves somewhere between my gut and the center of my heart. It makes me feel small; like an ant, peering up towards this world, so big and most of it so unknown to me. It makes me feel emotional. As if I could laugh and cry at the exact same moment. It makes me catch my breath and get quiet.

I don’t understand how I am supposed to live my life. It’s a question that I ponder frequently and never fully arrive to an answer for. I know the fundamentals… I live it with love, integrity, respect, joy and adventure. And compassion. And more.  But what about the rest?

The idea of travel itches something in me. This idea that I could explode into a thousand particles across the plain of the great big world and all would be okay. That itch, however, then stirs something else up. Is it doubt? Is it reality? Is it???? I don’t quite know… It’s this sense of limitation. I can’t travel forever. I don’t have the money or resources for it. I can’t travel forever. What about my work? I love my work. I can’t travel forever. Just… because.

But I want to.

Staring at photos of Bolivia (this is where we’re thinking we’ll start), I can’t help but want to be gone forever. Or at least a really really long time. 

3 months is starting to feel much too short.

Click this link for photos of Salar De Uyuni- http://www.atlantisbolivia.org/tunupagallery.htm  A place I can't, can't, can't wait to see. We're going in the dry season so we might not see the water covering it, as in these pics, but I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying for some rain.

Our current plan. Bolivia-Peru-Ecuador-Columbia-Venezuela.