In less than a month, we'll be leaving on our trip. I feel like there's a giant clock counting down and I worry that I won't be able to get everything done in time.
When I was a child, I would love to spin in circles, as many and as fast as I could, then come to a sudden stop and feel that dizzy off balanced feeling, as I tried to stable myself and wait for the world to catch up with me. As an adult, I have a tendency to dizzy myself with thoughts. They spin and spin, only they rarely stop, and thus, I'm left with sleepless nights.
There is a fear that seizes me in moments when I stop the spinning and let my emotions catch up. It makes me want to smile. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to seek cover. It makes me want to jump up and down and clap my hands. Sara reminds me that this fear is a good thing. It's what we feel the night before the first day of school. It's what we feel before dropping in on a big wave. Before a race, or a cliff jump. As we fall in love... in all the big things in life.
In the still of the night, I try to breathe deeply, slowly. My mind and my body run in opposite directions. One wants to stay on, the other wants to turn off. I toss and turn and try my best to sink into that quiet energy that lulls me to sleep. It doesn't work, and so I toss and turn some more. And as I do, Erik stirs awake and asks "what's wrong?"; his voice tired and and heavy. I reply- "I'm scared." "Of what?" he mumbles and I can hear him trying to be as patient as possible, though frustration leaks through his voice. Tonight I say "I don't speak Spanish." He pulls me in closer and hugs me tight- "go to sleep" he begs. Feeling guilty for waking him, this night and all the other nights before I try my best to stay quiet and still as I wait for my nerves to calm down and sleep to come.
In the morning I am tired and dreading the day ahead. Erik greets my rising with a kiss, and tells me his solutions to my fear. This morning's solution includes bringing a small 7 inch laptop with us with Rosetta Stone on it, so I can learn on the road. The day before, I was worried about baggage, no- not my emotional baggage, the actual bags we'll be taking. That day I found an email with a bunch of links to backpacks. Though I don't want to push him too hard with my insomniac neurosis, I have to say, I love that he does this. He always tries to fix things for me. He feels my fears and tries to qualm them.
The nights that are hardest on him are the nights when I say "I don't know what I'm scared of, I'm just scared." That gives him nothing to work with. Sometimes on those nights, he'll playfully wrap his arms around my neck and pretend to strangle me.
