on wednesday i'll be taking the license in clinical social work exam. it's taken me one master's degree, 2.5 years of accumulating 3000 supervised hours, paperwork, applications and a $175 exam fee to get to this point. if i pass i'll be licensed which means more liberty to do what i love doing, an opportunity to get paid more, and being able to sign LCSW after my name.
if i don't pass i'll be seriously bummed, embarrassed, out $175, and back to studying.
(let's hope i pass.)
because this is big. very big. i've worked hard to get to this point.
the not so funny thing is, that while i can recognize how big this is, my behaviors seem to show otherwise. whereas some people study for this exam for months, i've only just started studying last week. in fact, last night during my designated study time, i did everything possible to actually avoid studying. i pickled onions, made strawberry guava bars, chicken adobo and even built one of those do it yourself furniture sets from k-mart.
this morning with 2 days left, i cursed at myself. shook my head and freaked out internally. thoughts of failing run through my head, and i am suddenly clinging on to hope and good fortune as tight as i can.
while it does me no good, i still can't help but chastise myself. why do i always do this? really, why? i'm smart enough to recognize my bad decisions in procrastination, but i suppose dumb enough not to heed them. and perhaps that's because i've gotten away with this style of reckless behavior for so long. tsk. tsk. damn my good luck it does nothing for growth and change. (just kidding good luck, please stay with me. i love you)
i still remember being in grad school. it seemed i was always the last one to start projects. putting things off till i had almost no time to complete them. other classmates would say "you're only starting that now?!" and i'd do everything within my power not to glare them down with my meanest stink eye. time after time, despite promising myself i'd be better next time i'd find myself at the exact same place. racing the clock. too much to do and too little time. freaking out, stressing out, and then somehow, someway completing whatever needed to be completed just in the nick of time and just well enough to be successful.
and here i am doing it again. only the stakes are much higher.
the worst part is, each time i do this i vow to be more responsible, more organized, more prompt. and each time i end up being a big fat liar. and i know with each broken promise i further test and taunt fate. i worry that one day soon she's going to make me pay for my bad behaviors and laugh as i fall flat on my face.
i'm just really hoping that this one day soon, won't be wednesday.
so again. and this time i really really mean it. dear fate; please, please, please let me pass this test and i promise with all my heart i'll be better, more responsible and less rushed next time. i'll be that girl that gets her work done ahead of time. that's organized, structured, and prompt. that never ever procrastinates again.
pleeeeeeeaaaasssssseeeee.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Romantic conversations.... umm sorta
While I don't write about it much, I am hopelessly in love with my boyfriend, Erik. We went on our first date on May 15, 09 and moved in together just last month. It's been a whirlwind of fun, romance, moments of challenge and love. I feel incredibly lucky.
I could go on and on about the many things I love about him, but I much prefer to tease. One of the things that cracks me up most about Erik is that every now and then he'll make a serious declaration of his love but it comes out all wrong.
I still remember our first kiss. It was the night of our first date. Immediately after he kissed me, he said something about "okay, well let's just be friends if anything." He was trying to convey that he still wanted to keep me as a friend even if things didn't work out romantically, but his words were all wrong. That's the last thing a girl wants to hear after a first kiss! Let's be friends?! (Wtf?) Fortunately, I could understand his intent, and knew what he meant, and it makes for funny and endearing memories.
Here are a couple other "romantic" conversations with Erik.
A couple months ago a friend and I were talking about marriage and engagements. We were talking about another friend who may be engaged soon, Erik was present and listened and participated in the conversation. A lot of times the conversation involved my girlfriend and I sharing about how we want things to be when we get engaged or married. I felt a little worried that all the marriage talk might freak Erik out so when we got home, I tried to reassure him that I was not looking for him to propose and he could be in this relationship without the intent to one day marry me. This was his response:
Erik: You know, I was thinking about it the other day actually, and if someone had a gun to my head and I had to choose between marrying you or never seeing or talking to you again, I would marry you.
Me: Thanks. So... if you had to choose between death or marrying me, you would choose to marry me?
Erik: No, what's death got to do with it? If I had to choose between never seeing you again or marrying you, I would marry you.
Me: What's the gun against your head for?
Erik: I don't know, it was there when I thought about it. Never mind, this is coming out all wrong.
Erik just started school again. He's going to HPU to become a nurse. It's a predominantly female profession so he's often 1 of 3-4 guys in most of his classes. Last night's romantic declaration went as follows:
Erik: So you know, I was checking out all the hot girls in my class, and I want you to know that I feel very happy and lucky to be with you.
Me: So, you were checking out all the hot girls in your class?
Erik: Damnit, that's not what I meant.
Such romance, eh?
But, while the boy does have an extraordinary skill for sticking his foot in his mouth, he is very good to me, and even begrudgingly allows me to post whatever I like about him, so I guess it's a fair trade.
I could go on and on about the many things I love about him, but I much prefer to tease. One of the things that cracks me up most about Erik is that every now and then he'll make a serious declaration of his love but it comes out all wrong.
I still remember our first kiss. It was the night of our first date. Immediately after he kissed me, he said something about "okay, well let's just be friends if anything." He was trying to convey that he still wanted to keep me as a friend even if things didn't work out romantically, but his words were all wrong. That's the last thing a girl wants to hear after a first kiss! Let's be friends?! (Wtf?) Fortunately, I could understand his intent, and knew what he meant, and it makes for funny and endearing memories.
Here are a couple other "romantic" conversations with Erik.
A couple months ago a friend and I were talking about marriage and engagements. We were talking about another friend who may be engaged soon, Erik was present and listened and participated in the conversation. A lot of times the conversation involved my girlfriend and I sharing about how we want things to be when we get engaged or married. I felt a little worried that all the marriage talk might freak Erik out so when we got home, I tried to reassure him that I was not looking for him to propose and he could be in this relationship without the intent to one day marry me. This was his response:
Erik: You know, I was thinking about it the other day actually, and if someone had a gun to my head and I had to choose between marrying you or never seeing or talking to you again, I would marry you.
Me: Thanks. So... if you had to choose between death or marrying me, you would choose to marry me?
Erik: No, what's death got to do with it? If I had to choose between never seeing you again or marrying you, I would marry you.
Me: What's the gun against your head for?
Erik: I don't know, it was there when I thought about it. Never mind, this is coming out all wrong.
Erik just started school again. He's going to HPU to become a nurse. It's a predominantly female profession so he's often 1 of 3-4 guys in most of his classes. Last night's romantic declaration went as follows:
Erik: So you know, I was checking out all the hot girls in my class, and I want you to know that I feel very happy and lucky to be with you.
Me: So, you were checking out all the hot girls in your class?
Erik: Damnit, that's not what I meant.
Such romance, eh?
But, while the boy does have an extraordinary skill for sticking his foot in his mouth, he is very good to me, and even begrudgingly allows me to post whatever I like about him, so I guess it's a fair trade.
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