Shame Spirals and Negative Narratives

Parenting is the whole rainbow, sunshine and storm wrapped into one. I love that about it, and it’s pretty darn exhausting.

 

My husband and I have been blessed with a wild, energetic, loving, sociable, boundary pushing little boy who lights up my life more than I could have ever imagined. It’s been an amazing gift and a constant test. 

Yesterday was ROUGH. We went to dinner at a friend’s house with other good friends and their children and my little guy came in full with chaotic energy, a strong need to push boundaries (and other kids), yelling, screaming, kicking, climbing and throwing and just a tornado of toddler tumultuousness. He definitely delivered on giving weight to the term “terrible twos.”

 

I did what I try to teach my clients not to do… I walked straight into my shame storm and categorized all the ways in which I was failing as a parent, as I watched and compared all of the other kids at the gathering and all the ways in which they were behaving, playing nicely and following directions. 

 

I ignored the fact that there were bits of sunshine… the way he greeted Aunties, Uncles and friends and said hello when instructed. That he did a really good job with taking turns on the trampoline. That he was happy, even if chaotic and destructive, and that he did hop in the bath without fuss, hop out without protest, even if he refused to wear clothes following.

 

I also didn’t allow myself to tune in to the care that surrounded us. One of the fathers that said, “let me take a turn, go relax and hang out,” the other kids being annoyed but accepting of him despite his crazy. Imani saying “Werner is even more crazy than usual today, but that’s okay.” And both her and Beryx still continuing to try to lure him into games of monster chase (he playing the role of monster, of course) despite the fact that it would ultimately end in both becoming frustrated by his over commitment to the role. And the fact that no one was really too bothered, aside from me.

 

Shame doesn’t allow for this. Instead of connecting us to others, it disconnects us and has us feeling flawed, alone and embarrassed. Instead of allowing us to feel held and supported in our struggles, it creates an isolating feeling.

 

I went home, complained to the hubby, wrote a gratitude list looking for the silver linings, reminded myself of the weekend when we had a really really good day playing with others, read parenting blogs for solutions and ate a bowl of ice cream. I survived the day and also realized how lucky I am to have his honor. 

I write this entry not for sympathy but for transparency and for any other human out there in their own shame storm for whatever reason. I feel you and send virtual hugs your way. Please dear fellow human, go easy on yourself.

 

Also, for anyone interested in resources, Brene Brown is one of my all time sheroes and does amazing research and work on this topic. I highly suggest looking her up.

 

Love and warmth,

Christy